Ghosting: Why One Honest 'No' Can Change Everything
When Saying ‘No’ Got Me the Gift of a Lifetime
It was the wedding of a close friend. I wanted to gift my friend something thoughtful and considered commissioning something special from an artist. My Instagram feed reminded me of one of my favorite artist duos—twin brothers (whose art is cute, meaningful, and often rebellious). Their work had blown me away for years, and I’d always dreamed of having a piece done by them!
So, I messaged them to check if they took on wedding commissions, and to my delight, they said yes! They asked me to send a ton of reference pictures so they could prepare a brochure for me to choose from. Everything sounded perfect—except for one minor hiccup: when the artists indicated the price, I realised I couldn’t afford it. Unfortunately, it was quite out of my budget.
Oh, the anxiety! I’d already sent the artists some reference photos and showered them with compliments. Now, I had to back out. The guilt was killing me! But I knew I had to be honest, so I sent a long, heartfelt message explaining why I couldn’t go ahead with the project. To my surprise, they were incredibly sweet about it, thanking me for replying. The artists were quite candid in sharing with me that most people don’t reply once they get the indicated quote (or price). If the potential customer chose not to continue with the project, the usual protocol was to go silent.
Fast forward a few months, and I wished the artists a happy birthday on Instagram. To my utter shock, they replied with an offer: “Can we gift you a sketch of yourself?” Wait, what?! It was THEIR birthday, and somehow I was getting a present!
Apparently, I was the first person to ever say ‘NO’ to a project instead of ghosting! They were so pleasantly surprised by my response that they decided to gift me something just for being upfront. Initially, they had considered gifting me the wedding commission I asked for. But with their packed schedule and deadlines, they ended up gifting me a custom sketch instead! OMG, the tears of joy!
This brings me to a topic that hits home for many people—GHOSTING. If you’ve never experienced it, ghosting is when someone disappears mid-conversation. One minute you're chatting, everything seems fine, and then poof—they vanish without a trace. No explanation, no goodbye, just…dead silence.
Ghosting is like a magician's trick, except there's no applause at the end. You're left staring at your phone, wondering if it was something you said—or worse, if you imagined the entire interaction. By some estimates, about 60-70% of young adults have ghosted someone (LeFebvre et al., 2019; Timmermans et al., 2020). Yeah, it's that common.
Ghosting happens across social circles and in all kinds of relationships, including dating. I’ve lost count of how many times friends have told me their dating app matches ghosted them. One friend dated a guy for eight months—eight whole months—and then, poof. He just stopped responding. Imagine the sheer panic and confusion of suddenly having all communication cut off with someone you’ve been building a relationship with for almost a year. It’s not just rude, it’s borderline traumatic.
She was heartbroken for months. Constantly questioning herself—Did I say something wrong? Was I too clingy? I mean, how hard is it to just say, "Hey, I don’t think this is working out"? But nope. Ghosters don’t give closure, just anxiety.
Ghosting is alive and well in the professional world, too. A friend of mine shared how job recruiters are now ghosting after interviews! Gone are the days when you’d at least get a rejection email. Now, you’re left wondering if there’s still a slim chance or if you’re just being... ghosted.
Ghosting happens even in arranged marriages! Yes, the same arranged marriages that are supposedly so formal and respectful.
There were multiple times when, after my mom had been talking to a prospective groom's family, they just ghosted us. No response, no closure. One minute, they were all smiles and pleasantries, and the next, they were gone. This especially hurts when it's your mother being ghosted—like, at least have the decency to say no. It's a level of disrespect I didn’t think I’d see in these traditional settings.
Ghosting has become so common that we’ve all faced it at one point or another, but its emotional effects can be devastating, especially for those with fragile self-esteem. It used to be that breaking up over a phone call or text was considered impersonal, but now, we celebrate getting a message instead of being left in the dark!
Why Do People Ghost?
Convenience: With today’s culture of instant gratification, ghosting has become easy—especially on dating apps, where swiping left or right lets us skip tough conversations. When things aren't perfect, there’s a sense that we can always "move on to the next," rather than working through issues. After all, there are plenty more fish in the sea, right?
Fear of Confrontation: Many people ghost to avoid conflict, especially if they lack conflict resolution skills or have past trauma. For those with social anxiety (me included), even small confrontations can feel like gearing up for battle.
Often, these fears are rooted in childhood experiences. If someone grew up in a household where open expression was discouraged or met with negative reactions, it can deeply impact how they communicate as adults. For example, I have a friend who’s so fearful of confrontation that I sometimes have to be on call or there in person to support her through it!
When expressing emotions was met with ridicule or dismissal, it creates an ingrained fear of the same reactions in future relationships. Communication issues and fear of confrontation feed into each other, making it even harder for someone to address conflicts directly.
Mindset: A person’s mindset—their mental approach and attitude toward life—can significantly affect how they handle relationships and communication challenges. Research by Freedman et al. (2019) reveals that individuals with a ‘fixed mindset’ often believe relationships are either destined to succeed effortlessly or doomed to fail, viewing them as unchangeable. This leads to less willingness to work through issues and a higher tendency to disengage when things aren’t “perfect.”
Conversely, those with a ‘growth mindset’ see relationships as dynamic and requiring ongoing effort, communication, and patience to evolve over time. They are more open to working through differences rather than ghosting.
In fact, Freedman et al. (2019) found that people with a fixed mindset were 63% more likely to view ghosting as an acceptable way to end a relationship, while those with a growth mindset were 38% less likely to see ghosting as an option.
Safety: Sometimes, ghosting is about self-preservation—cutting off contact with someone who feels unsafe or triggers emotional distress. In cases like this, it’s a way to protect personal safety, emotional well-being, or boundaries. For example, individuals who’ve experienced negative outcomes from past relationship discussions may resort to ghosting to avoid re-experiencing that pain. Ghosting also commonly stems from avoidance or fear-based mindsets, where avoiding discomfort or conflict feels more manageable than confronting it directly.
Ghosting as self-protection involves safeguarding emotional well-being or sense of security, often to dodge potentially difficult conversations. This avoidance might reflect fears of facing rejection, criticism, or negative reactions from the other person.
In situations involving abuse—whether emotional, psychological, or physical—ghosting can be a necessary tool for safety, offering a way for the person to leave without confronting their abuser.
How to Cope with Ghosting
1. Stop Blaming Yourself
When someone ghosts, it’s natural to feel a wave of regret, embarrassment, or even shame. But remember—ghosting is a reflection of them, not you. Often, the lack of closure leads us to fill in the gaps with self-blame. I remember my mom questioning herself each time a prospective groom’s family ghosted us: “Did I serve the wrong sweets? Maybe you should’ve worn a saree!”
I've seen friends, too, who react by swearing off dating or building walls to protect themselves. But here’s what I tell them: you’re not responsible for someone else’s inability to communicate. Take a step back, be kind to yourself, and remember—this isn’t your fault.
2. Prioritize Self-Care
I believe the best way to heal from ghosting is through intentional self-care. Surround yourself with supportive loved ones, and dive into activities that genuinely bring you joy—whether it’s a favorite hobby, yoga, or even practicing mindfulness. When thoughts of the person who ghosted you come up, remind yourself that they lacked the essentials of a healthy relationship: respect, communication, and consideration. They weren’t the right fit for you. I’ve seen friends reach out to their besties or a therapist when moving on felt tough, and it made a world of difference.
Ghosting is painful because social rejection triggers the same brain pathways as physical pain. It also leaves you in emotional limbo—wondering what happened and questioning yourself. But remember: this experience doesn’t define your worth. The sooner you stop seeking answers from them, the faster you can begin healing.
In this blog, Michelle Powers shares her journey …
….from serial ghosting to self-awareness and change. Initially, she began ghosting people she was close to as a way of self-protection, fearing hurt and rejection. Over time, it became her default, an easy way out, affecting not just romantic relationships but friendships, colleagues, and family ties as well. Ironically, she also experienced being ghosted in painful ways.
As she continued ghosting, Michelle found it only deepened her loneliness, creating a cycle of guilt and self-loathing. At times, she even wished she could go back and give things another chance with those she’d cut off.
With the help of a skilled therapist, she traced this pattern back to childhood trust and abandonment issues. Ghosting had offered her a sense of control over relationships, protecting her from the intimacy she feared. Therapy, however, allowed her to confront her fears, and she even reached out to one of the people she had ghosted. The result? They reconnected, and in a beautiful twist, got married in 2018.
Ghosting and Personality Traits
Research by Dr. Peter Jonason et al. (2021) suggests that people high in narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy are more likely to ghost in short-term relationships. These traits involve:
In a study with 341 participants, those with higher levels of these traits, especially men with narcissistic tendencies, saw ghosting as an acceptable way to end a relationship. However, these traits only explained 4% of ghosting behavior, suggesting other factors are involved.
Sometimes, ghosters think they are doing the ghostee a favour
Regardless of how the ghostee might interpret the ghoster's behavior, in general, ghosting has adverse effects on the ghosted person, and is associated with feelings of rejection, anger, and poorer mental health (Timmermans et al., 2020). Despite this, sometimes people ghost because they want to protect the other person from the uncomfortable "I don't like you" kind of break-up conversation that would have to ensue if a break-up were more direct (Timmermans et al., 2020). Sometimes, ghosters believe they are being thoughtful by ghosting. Does that justify the ghosting?
Our reliance on digital devices definitely makes it easier to avoid difficult conversations. Hiding behind a screen, we hope others read between the lines and let things drop without needing closure. If we’re treating our phones as extensions of ourselves, then we need to be mindful of how we engage with people through them Yet, ghosting isn’t entirely new—just look at Sense and Sensibility, where Willoughby leaves Marianne without a word. So maybe we can’t fully blame our phones.
Personally, being somewhat detached has kept ghosting from affecting me much, but I know it would hit hard if a close friend cut contact or if I got no response after an important interview. That would easily lead to overthinking and anxiety, wondering if I did something wrong.
Here’s hoping we can all move beyond the urge to ghost, because let’s be real—it’s just disrespectful, no matter the reason. And while it’s not always easy, taking a risk to tell someone how you really feel—even if it’s not what they want to hear—can be rewarding. When we’re honest, we not only respect others but grow our own self-confidence and empathy.
And if we’re ever feeling down after being ghosted, let’s remember to reach out to loved ones for support.
P.S. The only ghost I approve of is SRK in Paheli.
